That I understand....
When you say pain...I say I know...I have experienced pain...maybe not the kind of pain you did, but I have experienced pain. I have experienced the kind of pain that they just don't give you that prescription for any type of pain. They only give that kind of medication for serious, laying on the floor - wanting to die - type of pain.
When you say - It can't possibly have hurt as much as....
I say - really? Pain is pain. How can I help you understand?
Comparisons - Which type of pain is worse? Some pains are fleeting, they last for a short time and you get over it. I would equate this type of pain to stubbing your pinky toe on whatever object it was that you did not account for the amount of room you needed to safely get past it without banging your toe and screaming with tears running down your face, and hopping around for the next 3 minutes while the pain subsides. They do not give the above medications for that kind of pain.
Some pains are internal - The person was wounded by some event or person, on the inside of themselves, and they become a broken person. They tend to seek relief from the pain with the above type of medications, but that is not the kind of pain that they give those medications for and these type of people are labled as addicts. What caused the addiction? Pain, but not the kind of pain that these medications are to be used to help a person heal; so these medications would be a hindrance to this type of pain.
Some pains are quick to come on, fast to leave as the medical condition which caused the pain heals to the point that the person no longer needs the medication in order to handle the pain. I would give the example of passing a kidney stone. Now, I have never passed a kidney stone, but I have had gallstones. So, I can kind of imagine that passing a gallstone is similar to a kidney stone. This kind of pain sometimes requires the above medications. Thank God when the stone passes or, like me, you have your gallbladder taken out and you have relief from the pain...that is until the next stone becomes plugged in the duct or that next kidney stone comes.
Some people, some people have what is known as chronic pain. Due to whatever caused their dis-ease, they have constant daily pain. They injured themselves and sought out medical care only to find that the procedure did not work. Daily pain, dull pain, sharp shooty jabby pain, mind-numbing pain, pain that if you don't stop talking I am going to hit you type pain, pain that makes them do things and say things they don't mean because they are IN PAIN. The type of people who are irritating to be around because YOUR PAIN cannot be as bad as THEIR PAIN. How do I help you understand? Pain is pain. These people might be helped with the above medications, but it is not going to be permanent. It is a temporary fix. Pray for these people because well, nevermind...pray for everyone because pain is pain.
I took the above pictures to show, YES, I have some pretty, heavy-duty pain meds that I took for pain. The kind of pain that makes you want to lay on the floor and die pain. I thought I had encountered the roughest type of pain...back pain. And just when I thought there could not be any worse type of pain, BAM! PAIN!!! Pain so bad I could not swallow yogurt. How bad of a disease does it have to be to not be able to swallow yogurt? I thought I had some weird type of flu because I felt out of it. You know, aches all over - nerves are funny that way...Ha, Ha! NOT!!! I went to the urgent care and the healthcare person said "flu." Three days later, I'm begging my husband, "Please, take me to the ER." "Please!" I am not a person who goes easily to the ER; so when I am begging you to take me there, rest assured, I am in pain and thinking that I'm dying. It turns out I had torticollis. There was a time when you could not have convinced me that one type of back pain could be worse than another type of back pain. I was completely flabbergasted that my neck pain was worse than any of the episodes of low back pain I have experienced periodically and have done so since I was 21 years old...I'm closer to 60 than 50 now just for reference. Pain, oh yes, I have known pain...
Could there be any thing worse than gallstones and gallbladder disease pain? There are some people who say no and there are some people who say yes. What about recovering from surgery? Before they did those oh so nifty procedures known as laparoscopies, I had surgery when I was 17 years old for gallstones and gallbladder disease. Most people had wonderful experiences in their senior year of high school. Me? I got to experience PAIN. Roll on the floor, I'm dying pain. My 17th year of life, I developed peritonitis after having a cholecystectomy. A cholecystectomy basically means my gallbladder was removed along with the stones. After surgery and coming home to recuperate, I awoke to a wet feeling and reached down with my hand and felt goop. It was scary. I wasn't really in pain at that moment other than feeling sick and tired because I was sick and tired. My body was fighting a major infection unbeknownst to me. The infection was so bad that it caused the incision site to bust open and that was the wetness I felt. Green, smelly drainage from a really, REALLY BAD INFECTION. They told me if I had waited another two hours to come in, I would not be here today. Wow! Walking miracle. But pain....when my Mom took me back to the office of the surgeon, he walked in the room, and I am laying on the table. He proceeds to rip out a few stitches with his fingertip. No anesthesia. No local anesthetic to dull or numb anything. PAIN! Pain bad enough for me to ball up my fist and tell him, "Don't do that again." That is all I said. My senior year, I got to experience having a gaping wound in my stomach approximately 8 inches long and 7-8 inches deep, healing for a year. They could not stitch it back together for fear of another infection developing. My poor Mom had to clean it out daily with Betadine and those long q-tips...and yes, the whole thing went down in the wound and once a week....Oh Joy! Once a week I got to go get my healing wound scraped down with the substance of something like sandpaper. Oh wait, I think it was sandpaper. After this wonderful event, I then had a chemical cauterization done that burned the lower layers of the skin to promote wound healing...Oh I forgot, daily packing of this wound with gauze pads...I have a view of myself that few people have. I have seen inside of myself. It's not pretty. So this was my senior year of school and graduating. It took well over a year to completely heal and I walk around with a scar that looks like I was in a coke bottle fight and I lost. But Pain, oh yeah, I remember the pain. Just like it was yesterday...
In reality, you think nothing could ever happen that would be worse than that...don't say that, don't think that, ever! Why? Because when you say that or think it, guess what? yep, something comes along that is worse and you found out that those memories are what are enabling you to get through whatever painful episode you are currently going through. I thought there was nothing that could be as bad as the back or the gallbladder attacks. Well, now it seems there is....they're not sure though, they say yes, maybe, then no...it shows up sometimes and other times, it is not there. What is this? Porphyria.
Porphyria is a complex condition, you can't really even call it a disease because it is not a disease. It is a condition caused by a lack of enzymes and depending on which type you have depends on which enzyme or genetic mutation. However, in Porphyria attacks, there is Pain. Intense Pain. It seems that maybe all of the above pain is tied to this nebulous condition that I do/do not have. I do know that some days are better than others. I do know that I know what pain is...including childbirth pain which I would take any day over the extreme fatigue, sharp-shooting jabby pains that radiate all through my body, the olfactory nerve which has gone beserk and I can smell things, well - you don't want to know how far I can smell things; rashes that come with allergies, skin conditions, LED lights burning my skin like someone just threw hot oil on my face, muscle paralysis - do I have lupus? I kind of feel validated - because I remember a time when a coach said - if you would exercise more and eat less...um, yeah...that really worked well for me. I ate less and gained a hypothyroid condition for not eating. Still fat as ever though...Thanks Coach...Fat girl, fat girl...yea, I remember every single episode of name calling, bullying, I'm still usually the biggest girl to walk in to the room. A title I totally despise and hate. But I have learned to accept myself because there is not one thing I can do to change my weight. Believe me, I have tried. Pain...
Pain, you say. I listen. Because I know what it is like to have pain. However, do not roll your eyes at me when I say, "I can't..." because I have tried and have learned "I can't.." I have changed my diet to find that some things do hurt and some things help. So if I say, "I can't have that.." please do not roll your eyes at me and heave that deep sigh like, "Oh bother!" I have found that doing somethings makes little differences. Little differences are big differences because every little bit helps make this condition of Porphyria better. I know pain of having people think it is all in your head and you are making it up because you want attention. Believe me, I do not want attention. Most of the time I just want you to go on and leave me alone because, well, because I cannot do what you want me to do. Or if I do, it is going to cause me pain and you just indicated by rolling your eyes and sighing that you discount my pain.
Pain...I listen. I listen and understand. I listen and understand because I know what it is like to have pain and not be heard.
