My God Shall Supply ALL My Needs… 

 

When I look around and see the chaos, I hear the Lord saying “Peace be still...” It is so easy to get caught up in this world’s plan. God is telling me, “Hey Debbie, I’ve got a better plan than you’ve ever imagined.” I want to stand and say, when it is looking dark to you friend, please know that God has a better plan. I had a really hard day the other day. Really hard and instead of taking my thoughts captive, as I know I should do; I started dwelling on them. I ended up in the pit of despair. After a full day, and I am not a person normally prone to crying but I cried. I cried and I cried and I cried. And no, I did not feel better. It felt hopeless. It felt lonely. It felt like no one cared. But then, a God thing happened. A friend texted and reminded me of God and His plan. Ha! Ha! It seems God has a better plan...Never give up and never give in! Taking back what the enemy has stolen!

I'm A ...(Fill in the Blank)

It's so easy as a human to fall in to the world's ideas and theology rather than as a Christian to fall in to God's ideas and theology.  Let me start right off the bat by saying in order to know God's ways, you have to read His Word, The Holy Bible.

All of this stems from the fact that as humans, we tend to want to categorize and organize ourselves in to boxes.  God is all about being outside of the boxes.  A pastor friend, Wayne Friedt, would say, "Do you know what a rut is? A rut is a coffin with the ends knocked out of it."  Meaning, if you are doing the same thing over and over, it really is just kind of dead, but someone forgot to tell it, it's dead.  Are you dead?  No, as a Christian, I am spiritually alive in Christ Jesus.  As a Christian, I identify as a worshipper.  Really in truth, we Believers' in Christ are all worshippers.  Rightfully so, but there are callings, giftings, and anointings and all the time the world is yelling...YELLING "You've got to have (____________)." (fill in the blank.)  

So, I was watching America's Got Talent 'coz I was tired of all the bad news, latest political stuff, and as much as I hate to turn on regular TV  now waiting for all that pi azz za  g a te  stuff to come out, I thought, as the world tells us, 'let's watch others so we can learn and improve ourselves.'  As I was watching and listening to the critiques, called judges, who are well-intentioned in their comments because yes, if you are going to be a performer/entertainer, you gotta have charisma.  "Hmmmmmmm, how can I work on my charisma?" I asked myself...

Myself responded with record yourself in videos so you can see and learn what to improve and what to change.  I video taped myself...yes, I video taped myself and how humiliating!  Because if I am going to be completely honest with myself, I am never going to have the world's kind of charisma that was being spoken of by the judges.  Yea, you see, I'm just not one of those happy, smiley people when I sing and play the piano.  Try as I might, I just am not a smiley person.  It's fake.  It's not me.  I smile, but I am just not one of those 'smiley' people.  You know the kind right?  Yea, you know what I mean...fake!  FAKE!!!

So I almost bought in to the world's lie, "You gotta have ______________."  For me, it was charisma.  A good friend reminded me that's the world's ways when we spoke about this event where I had played and led worship for a small gathering.  I am always told "You are anointed."  But for some reason, it is hard for me to believe it.  Now don't get me wrong.  I want to play well and do well.  I do want to do the very best I can do and on that day hear the Lord say to me "Well done, thou good and faithful servant."  But I was reminded that as Christians, God has different goals and standards than the world's...and again, I ask myself how is it that I so easily fell for the enemy's lies once again.

So I work on skillsets and my capability of playing my instrument well.  I work on knowing the song and make sure it is in my range of vocal capabilities, but I am not working on charisma because I am who I am and I do not need to act or fake it because you either are or ARE NOT anointed by the Holy Ghost and no amount of acting is going to get the results of authentic worship except the presence of the Holy Spirit using you as a vessel.  If you are about yourself and being inauthentic then God is going to say "Go ahead, but I'm having no part of it!"  I humbly admit I need God more than ever to work in and through me when someone asks me to do _____________ for God.  You can't buy Him or sell Him.  You can't produce Him.  All you can do is say, "Here I am Lord, obedient and willing, ready to do what you would have me to do."  That is all you can do, friend, and it is all you should do...For the most part, God does and will work through a willing vessel.  Sometimes it is easier and sometimes, it is harder.  For praise and worship services, I find it to be a battleground knowing we have to fight the fight of faith and the enemy does not want anyone entering in to praise and worship with God.  

I am going to leave you with this thought...Another friend and I were discussing this topic of praise and worship which has become such a battlefield in the church arena.  I had always read and knew the importance of praise and worship as a tool in spiritual warfare.  It seems that some really do not know the importance of the praise and worship service.  

In 1 Chronicles 20:20-22, we see where God directs Jehosaphat to send the 'singers' out to battle first.  I always viewed this as 'let's get out there and kick the devil's butt.'  And there is that aspect....but what my friend noticed and pointed out is that scripture says that as we began to sing and praise God then He sets the ambushes that will ensnare the enemy.  He only starts to move as we begin to ....yep ....sing and praise Him.  If you need some overcoming in your life, start to sing and praise God.  Most of all, don't fall for the lie of the enemy that you need what the world has to give.  


Blessings to you

Debbie AKA "The Black Sheep of the Flock"  I'm constantly in trouble....

 

Beautiful Site! God's Promise To Never Flood the Earth Again!!!

 The light attracted my eye...I grabbed my camera and started shooting the pictures.  I was frustrated because I could not capture the 'feeling' of going back in time as that was how it felt.  Like an old timey photo. 

 Out of the corner of my eye, I caught the faintest hit of a rainbow.  I decided to go outside to try and see if the color I was aiming for showed up better.  As I opened the front door of my house, I see the most brillant colors lighting up the sky.  

 No one paints better than God!

Danger, Will Robinson, Danger !!!

Lamations 1: 9 (Ex) What has been what will be,
and what has been done is what will be done,
and there is nothing new under the sun.

I awoke this morning to a persistent thought… there is no new thing under the sun. Nothing, Nada, Zilch !!! Then immediately, my mind went to the Lion of the Tribe of Judah. And the attacks are real. But one true thing, know, Jesus Christ is the King of Kings and Lord of Lords !!! He is the Beginning and the end. The Alpha and the Omega !!! And as you see, my blog will not let me change the language (found out it was Hindu) or give the option to change my text to English. So, I will just type and hope I do not make too many typing mistakes and somehow this message gets to who it needs to get to ... because God would say to you: I am not a God to be mocked. You cannot Produce me. You cannot just use me to state your whim. (Lost some of the text meaning)  Yes, I desire to have relationship with you and always will, my child, but I alone am God. Yaweh (SP?) I Alone am to be worshipped and glorified. No one else ... All others will fail. They are not me and yes, I am speaking to my church. You have put men on pedestals and and your pedastals are falling.

I awoke to War Drums ... I have been hearing the drums for some time now. They call, beckoning whosoever would hear to hear my heartbeat. I am the King of all kings. The ones who cry out to me and the the places where the blood has been spilt cry out to me. I am the Alpha and the Omega. The beginning and the end.  Judgment is coming. Repent! Judgment is coming! It is time to put your plan away. It is time to for all to reflect and inspect your own heart. Does your heart line up with what my word says? - I alone am He who holds this world; Nay, not this this world but this very galaxy together. I am coming for my people. Those who Do Not Give Up And Give In, those Who Maintain Integrity. Those who stand having been washed and cleaned by my blood. I alone am God! There is no new thing. I alone give life to thinking. I alone am God.  I am calling. Will You Hear? I Am Speaking and Moving?  Do You Hear?

But Yes, I am doing a new thing. I am changing hearts to see my ways. If any other comes to you in my name and does not preach Gospel of Jesus Christ, they Are Demons. They Will Be Exposed.  I Am was the only way to God, the Father. I came and shed my blood for you, my beautiful child, will you not come to me? There is only one who is worthy of all Praise, Honor and Glory, He is I am. My name is Jesus Christ! I Am the Lion of the Tribe of Judah. My People of Praise known as Judah.   Our God inhabits the praises of his people. Zion.  Not those who call themselves Jews and are not Jews. My People hear and my  People Know My Voice. The are not going to turn from me. Cry out to me, and I will rescue you. I Will Save You.  I tell you this day, the Kingdom of Heaven suffers Violence and the Violent Take It by force.

Rise Up, Oh My Children, Rise Up! Be who you are The rescuers, the healers, the ones who speak truth in the darkness to put light in to dark places. Rise Up! No more delays, no more excuses! 

Rise Up!

It's A New Thing, We're Doing It A New Way!!!!

डेंजर, विल रॉबिंसन, डेंजर!!!

लमेंटेशन्स १:9  (ेसव) What has been is what will be,
and what has been done is what will be done,and there is nothing new under the sun.

इवके उप थिस मॉर्निंग तो ा परसिस्टेंट थॉट...तेरे इस नो नई थिंग अंडर थे सुन.  नथिंग, नाडा, ज़िलक!!!  थें इम्मेडिएटली, माय मंद वेंट तो थे लायन ऑफ़ थे ट्राइब ऑफ़ जुड़ा.  एंड थे अटैक्स अरे रियल.  बूत ओने ट्रू थिंग ी क्नोव, जीसस क्राइस्ट इस थे किंग ऑफ़ किंग्स एंड लार्ड ऑफ़ लॉर्ड्स!!!  हे इस थे बिगनिंग एंड थे एन्ड.  थे अल्फ एंड ओमेगा!!! एंड अस यू सी, माय ब्लॉग विल नॉट लेट में चेंज थे लैंग्वेज और गिव थे ऑप्शन तो चेंज माय टेक्स्ट तो इंग्लिश.  सो, ी विल जस्ट टाइप एंड होप तहत ी मेक नॉट तू मान्य टाइपिंग मिस्टेक्स एंड तहत सोमेहो थिस मैसेज गेट्स तो हु आईटी नीड्स तो गेट तो...बिकॉज़ गॉड वोउल्ड से तो यू:  ी ऍम नॉट ा गॉड तो बे मोकेड.  यू कन्नोत प्रोडूस में.  यू कन्नोत बैंकों में ात योर व्हिम.  ी डिजायर तो हैवे रिलेशनशिप विथ यू एंड ऑलवेज विल, माय चाइल्ड, बूत ी अलोन ऍम गॉड.  यौ वह!  (सप?)  ी अलोन ऍम तो बे वॉरशिप्पड़ एंड ग्लोरिफ़िएड.  नो ओने ेल्स...आल ओठेर्स विल फ़ैल.  थे अरे नॉट में एंड यस, ी ऍम स्पीकिंग तो माय चर्च.  यू हैवे पूत में ों पेडेस्टल्स एंड एंड योर pedastals. 

ी वोके तो वॉर ड्रम्स...ी हैवे बीन हियरिंग थे ड्रम्स फॉर सम टाइम नाउ.  थे कॉल, बैस्कोनिंग व्होसोएवर वोउल्ड हेअर तो हेअर माय हार्टबीट.  ी ऍम किंग फॉर माय पीपल.  थे ओनेस हु क्राई आउट तो में एंड थे एंड थे  हुसे ब्लड क्रिस  थे प्लेसेस  वेयर थे ब्लड है बीन स्पिल्ट.  जो अहेड एंड मोचक में.  यू विल सी  ट्रू.  जजमेंट इस किंग.  रपेन्ट!  जजमेंट इस किंग!  आईटी इस टाइम तो पूत आसीदे योर एजेंडा.  आईटी इस टाइम तो िणवर्द्लय रिफ्लेक्ट योर ओन हार्ट.  डस योर हार्ट लाइन उप विथ व्हाट माय वर्ड सेक्स - ी अलोन ऍम हे हु होल्ड्स थिस वर्ल्ड, नइ नॉट थिस वर्ल्ड बूत थिस एंटीरे गैलेक्सी टुगेदर.  ी ऍम किंग फॉर माय पीपल.  ठोस हु दो नॉट गिव उप और गिव इन, ठोस हु मेन्टेन इंटीग्रिटी।  ठोस हु स्टैंड हैविंग बीन वशद एंड क्लेंसेड बी माय ब्लड  फॉर यू.  ठोस हु हैवे कॉल्ड ों में.  ी ऍम किंग!  तेरे इस नो नई थिंग.  ी अलोन गिव लाइफ तो ा थिंग.  ी अलोन  हु  स्काई.  ी ऍम कालिंग विल यू हेअर?  ी ऍम स्पीकिंग एंड मूविंग?  दो यू हेअर?  

बूत यस, ी ऍम डोंगा  नई थिंग.  ी ऍम चेंजिंग हर्ट्स तो सी माय वेज़.  िफ़ अन्य इतर केस तो यू इन माय नाम एंड डस नॉट प्रीच  गॉस्पेल ऑफ़ जीसस क्राइस्ट, थे अरे देसिवेर्स.  थे विल बे एक्सपोज्ड.  ी ऍम थे थे ओनली वे तो गॉड, थे फादर.  ी चामे एंड शेड माय ब्लड फॉर यू, माय प्रेसियस चाइल्ड, विल यू नॉट के तो में?  तेरे इस ओनली ओने हु इस वर्थी ऑफ़ आल प्राइसे, हॉनर एंड ग्लोरी, ी ऍम हे.  माय नाम इस जीसस क्राइस्ट!  ी ऍम थे लायन ऑफ़ थे ट्राइब ऑफ़ जुड़ा.  माय पीपल ऑफ़ प्राइसे "जुड़ा".  आवर गॉड िन्हबीट्स थे प्राइसेस ऑफ़ हिज पीपल.  ज़िओन.  ठोस हु कॉल थेमसेल्वेस जूस एंड अरे नॉट जूस.  माय पीपल हेअर में, माय पीपल क्नोव माय वौइस्.  थे अरे नॉट गोइंग तो टर्न फ्रॉम में.  क्राई आउट तो में, ी विल रेस्क्यू यू.  ी विल सेव यू.  ी तेल्ल यू थिस डे, थे किंगडम ऑफ़ हेवन सुफ्रेट वायलेंस एंड थे वायलेंट टेक आईटी बी फाॅर्स.  राइज उप, ओह माय चिल्ड्रन, राइज उप!  बे हु यू अरे तो बे.  थे रेस्कुएर्स, थे हीलर्स, थे ओनेस हु स्पीक ट्रुथ इन थे डार्कनेस तो पूत लाइट इन तो डार्क प्लेसेस.  राइज उप!  नो मोरे देलेस, नो मोरे एक्सक्यूसेस!  राइज उप!  

Seems to be a Fireball...

Always and Forever, A Patriot's Daughter....

A Patriot Herself....

How Can I Help You Understand Part 2

How Can I Help You Understand - Pain

I do not have to live there....

 I  was raised by a Christian mother who was very active about her faith.  My earliest memories are of her helping others.  She taught me that I should always put God first, others next, and my self last.  I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior at the age of six.  I grew up and pretty much accepted the doctinral views that if something happened it was God's will for my life.  That is...until my 17th year of life and the come to Jesus moment I had after almost dying from peritonitis, a really, REALLY BAD Bacterial infection.  

If I ever watched anyone suffer with pain, it was my parents.  They had issues that arose, like all people do, and it was their belief in Jesus Christ that carried them through it all.  My father was not as 'public' about his relationship with the Lord, but after watching the cancer take his life - watching how Dad handled each difficult transition of what that dreaded disease stole from him, and the peace he had, I know without a doubt, he walked with the Lord.  Not to mention he had quite the supernatural experience that we all got to witness as he was passing from this life to the next.  

I was speaking in Part 1 of this blog post of the pain I have experienced and I have experienced pain.  You name it, emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual.  But the game changer for me - the moment where I realized that there had to be more to life was laying flat on my back - waiting to go in to surgery and talking to Jesus about the upcoming surgery, my life that I had lived for him before, and the life I wanted to live for him afterwards.  This moment in time sent me searching for answers, for the power that I heard and saw talked about in the Holy Bible.  

As I had lived most of my life in church growing up, I decided maybe I would search elsewhere for 'this power.' It was not where I attended church, but I knew deep in my heart those people loved the Lord and they were good people, trying just like me to love God and love people.  This search sent me to bars, experiencing things that really I just should have known better but who is wise at age 18.  No, you're not, you know you're not and you will find out if you are younger just how much you do not know when you get older.  So just trust what your parents are telling you because they really do know.  Yes, like all people, I had to go out and make my own mistakes.  

As I was sitting in the bar, the Lord would speak ever so quietly in my ear saying, "You know, you really shouldn't be here."  What I thought would bring the happiness I was searching for was not found in the bars.  I saw people drinking and thought they were happy.  I thought maybe by drinking it would somehow magically change me in to the charismatic person that others would like.  I had already seen a lot of the bad alcohol could do in peoples' lives, but I thought, this must be what frees them and makes them so interesting.  Boy, was that ever a stupid thought.  Yes, I said it, a stupid, not just stupid, but stoopid thought.  But the more I tried to go out and have 'fun,' the more the Lord would just quietly speak to me, " You know, you really don't belong here."  The more I tried to 'party' the more withdrawn, unsocial, and quiet I became.  The last thing I wanted to be was more withdrawn, quiet and unsocial.  I remember coming out of the bar with a friend, the music had been so loud that I literally could not hear what someone was saying to me.  And that was when I knew, my answer was not there or doing that.  

Life has a way of and really that should be the Lord has a way of moving us to other things.  Work became a priority, and I decided I also needed to try to work on losing weight.  So I decided that martial arts would be a great way to lose weight and meet guys.  Yes, like everyone, I wanted a spouse, partner....I was always basically ignored at church and really, not really understanding my Bible, I was looking.  There again, as an older, wiser person, I can tell you now, don't look.  God will have the right person there when the time is right.  But back to my story, I worked, and I joined a martial arts school.  

Pain, Oh pain!  Blisters on the feet, and if I did push ups, my back would immediately go out.  My instructor was a 7th Dan Black Belt at the time and his wife was a 4th Dan.  Little did I know what I had until I moved away...They were, he has now passed on, but she is the highest ranking US American female Black Belt, Kwan Jang of the USCDKA.  But that aside, she told me about a church across the lake.  It was a small church not like the 'big 12,000 seat church' and I knew I wanted a homey, small, family - like church.  I did not go for a bit of time, but I still attended my church where I grew up not really knowing what else to do but the Lord put a friend in my life who would invite me to events and conferences and through her, I went to the Big Church and listened to a teaching on the Holy Spirit and speaking in tongues.  Being a Baptist, tongues were a 'passed-away' not for now type of belief.  I didn't really know what to think since I had read in my Bible that if we believed in Christ we would speak in other tongues, lay hands on the sick, etc., etc.  

So when they asked if you wanted prayer for tongues, I went.  I had spoken quietly to the Lord in my mind that if it was something that would help me and He wanted me to have it, I would like to have it.  If it was something that was not for me, and He did not want me to have it, I would be okay not having it.  They prayed for me, and they instructed me what to do next, and...nothing.  I thanked the Lord as instructed and I praised God, lifting my hands, but no tongues.  I went home, but I had a great sense of peace.  Afterall, I trusted my Lord, and I believed He knew what was best for me.  I went to bed and went to sleep.  

 I woke up at midnight.  I woke myself up speaking in tongues, and my life afterwards was never the same.  My TKD instructor again invited me to come to the small church across the lake from the Big Church.  I had attended the Big Church and knew that was not the place for me even though they are the ones who prayed for me to receive the indwelling of the Holy Spirit.  I knew that tongues would put me out of fitting in at the Baptist Church.  I also could not deny what had happened to me.  I remembered laying in that hospital bed asking the Lord about His power, my life, and how I was to live my life.  

I went to the Little Church and when I walked in to that place, it was alive.  You could feel the static of an electric charge in the air.  The people were really excited, and you could tell they believed their Bible and what it said.  Verses that come to mind are:  1 Peter 2:24 - "By His stripes, you are healed."  "We are overcomers..."; Christ came to destroy the works of the evil one.  And I found a place where I fit in.  The teachings of  we can have healing and active faith where God desires to bless us.  I wanted this because up until then, it was 'if it be your will, God.'  Yet, my Bible clearly stated that it was God's will for me to be healthy and well, and to prosper.  I thank God for this Little Church and the teachings they taught.  They literally changed my life for the better.  

My back would still go out, pain, and I was frustrated.  Our pastor was very open to evangelists and others who would come through, and if someone was in error, he would explain why after they had left - always very clear Biblical instruction, straight out of the Bible teaching.  No twisting scripture and no trying to make it say something it did not say.  

I heard of a husband and wife team who ministered and taught 'healing' seminars.  I went to this seminar and received teaching on 'being healed by God.'  My walk of my back healing has been an ongoing process.  I still have issues to this day, but, BUT it is not as bad as it used to be.  My back would go out and two weeks to a month later, I would be able to return to normal life.  After receiving prayer from this couple, my back if it goes out, only goes out for one day.  Big difference from before.  My chiropractor even confirmed it for me.  I walked in for my appointment, and he said, "Something's happened! You're healed, aren't you? I can see it in your eyes. Well, come on, get up here on the table and we'll confirm it."  I got up on the table and he said, "Yep.  You're healed."  

Healing in and by the Lord requires the fight of faith.  I have to daily stand and say, "I am healed by His stripes."  It is a daily battle.  With the possibility of Porphyria and the MCAS, I take it a day at a time.  I am learning wisdom - "My people perish for a lack of knowledge..." and I am learning when just to make my stand, "Healing is mine, the Bible says so!"  

So, I did not want to leave my pain story at - Pain.  No Hope...No healing!  To do that would be a lie!  I believe.  I believe in the one who came and died so that I could have a restored relationship with God, the Father.  He sent his son, Jesus Christ, who took all power and authority from the enemy, and has given that power and authority to us. We are to do His work.  We are to lay hands on the sick and command them to be healed.  We are to ....Read your Bibles.  As scripture says, "Taste and see if the Lord is not good."  "His burden is easy.  His yoke is light."  "We overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of their testimonies."  This is my testimony and I'm still living it out.  

When pain comes, I stand and tell pain to leave.  I command my body to line up with the Word of God that says I am created in His image, that sickness and disease is not of God...I tear down those strongholds that say it is hopeless.  I live my life for God giving glory to Jesus Christ, my Savior, my Healer, my Redeemer.  He leads my feet.  He anoints my head with oil.  He is my joy.  He is my strength.  He takes my pain.  The battle is the Lord's, all I have to do is trust Him. 

John 3:16 - For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, Jesus, that whosoever believes in Him might not perish but have everlasting life.  (Debbie's paraphrase)  

 

 

How Can I Help You Understand....Part 1

That I understand....

           When you say pain...I say I know...I have experienced pain...maybe not the kind of pain you did, but I have experienced pain.  I have experienced the kind of pain that they just don't give you that prescription for any type of pain.  They only give that kind of medication for serious, laying on the floor - wanting to die - type of pain.  

           When you say - It can't possibly have hurt as much as....

           I say - really? Pain is pain.  How can I help you understand?  

 

 Comparisons - Which type of pain is worse?  Some pains are fleeting, they last for a short time and you get over it.  I would equate this type of pain to stubbing your pinky toe on whatever object it was that you did not account for the amount of room you needed to safely get past it without banging your toe and screaming with tears running down your face, and hopping around for the next 3 minutes while the pain subsides.  They do not give the above medications for that kind of pain.  

 

Some pains are internal - The person was wounded by some event or person, on the inside of themselves, and they become a broken person.  They tend to seek relief from the pain with the above type of medications, but that is not the kind of pain that they give those medications for and these type of people are labled as addicts.  What caused the addiction?  Pain, but not the kind of pain that these medications are to be used to help a person heal; so these medications would be a hindrance to this type of pain.  

 

Some pains are quick to come on, fast to leave as the medical condition which caused the pain heals to the point that the person no longer needs the medication in order to handle the pain.  I would give the example of  passing a kidney stone.  Now, I have never passed a kidney stone, but I have had gallstones.  So, I can kind of imagine that passing a gallstone is similar to a kidney stone.  This kind of pain sometimes requires the above medications.  Thank God when the stone passes or, like me, you have your gallbladder taken out and you have relief from the pain...that is until the next stone becomes plugged in the duct or that next kidney stone comes.  

 

Some people, some people have what is known as chronic pain.  Due to whatever caused their dis-ease, they have constant daily pain.  They injured themselves and sought out medical care only to find that the procedure did not work.  Daily pain, dull pain, sharp shooty jabby pain, mind-numbing pain, pain that if you don't stop talking I am going to hit you type pain, pain that makes them do things and say things they don't mean because they are IN PAIN. The type of people who are irritating to be around because YOUR PAIN cannot be as bad as THEIR PAIN.  How do I help you understand?  Pain is pain.  These people might be helped with the above medications, but it is not going to be permanent.  It is a temporary fix. Pray for these people because well, nevermind...pray for everyone because pain is pain.  

 

I took the above pictures to show, YES, I have some pretty, heavy-duty pain meds that  I took for pain.  The kind of pain that makes you want to lay on the floor and die pain.  I thought I had encountered the roughest type of pain...back pain.  And just when I thought there could not be any worse type of pain, BAM!  PAIN!!! Pain so bad I could not swallow yogurt.  How bad of a disease does it have to be to not be able to swallow yogurt?  I thought I had some weird type of flu because I felt out of it.  You know, aches all over - nerves are funny that way...Ha, Ha!  NOT!!!  I went to the urgent care and the healthcare person said "flu."  Three days later, I'm begging my husband, "Please, take me to the ER."  "Please!"  I am not a person who goes easily to the ER; so when I am begging you to take me there, rest assured, I am in pain and thinking that I'm dying.  It turns out I had torticollis.  There was a time when you could not have convinced me that one type of back pain could be worse than another type of back pain.  I was completely flabbergasted that my neck pain was worse than any of the episodes of low back pain I have experienced periodically and have done so since I was 21 years old...I'm closer to 60 than 50 now just for reference.  Pain, oh yes, I have known pain...

 

Could there be any thing worse than gallstones and gallbladder disease pain?  There are some people who say no and there are some people who say yes.  What about recovering from surgery?  Before they did those oh so nifty procedures known as laparoscopies, I had surgery when I was 17 years old for gallstones and gallbladder disease.  Most people had wonderful experiences in their senior year of high school.  Me?  I got to experience PAIN.  Roll on the floor, I'm dying pain.  My 17th year of life, I developed peritonitis after having a cholecystectomy. A cholecystectomy basically means my gallbladder was removed along with the stones.  After surgery and coming home to recuperate, I awoke to a wet feeling and reached down with my hand and felt goop.  It was scary.  I wasn't really in pain at that moment other than feeling sick and tired because I was sick and tired.  My body was fighting a major infection unbeknownst to me.  The infection was so bad that it caused the incision site to bust open and that was the wetness I felt.  Green, smelly drainage from a really, REALLY BAD INFECTION.  They told me if I had waited another two hours to come in, I would not be here today.  Wow!  Walking miracle.  But pain....when my Mom took me back to the office of the surgeon, he walked in the room, and I am laying on the table.  He proceeds to rip out a few stitches with his fingertip.  No anesthesia. No local anesthetic to dull or numb anything.  PAIN!  Pain bad enough for me to ball up my fist and tell him, "Don't do that again."  That is all I said.  My senior year, I got to experience having a gaping wound in my stomach approximately 8 inches long and 7-8 inches deep, healing for a year.  They could not stitch it back together for fear of another infection developing.  My poor Mom had to clean it out daily with Betadine and those long q-tips...and yes, the whole thing went down in the wound and once a week....Oh Joy!  Once a week I got to go get my healing wound scraped down with the substance of something like sandpaper.  Oh wait, I think it was sandpaper.  After this wonderful event, I then had a chemical cauterization done that burned the lower layers of the skin to promote wound healing...Oh I forgot, daily packing of this wound with gauze pads...I have a view of myself that few people have.  I have seen inside of myself.  It's not pretty.  So this was my senior year of school and graduating.  It took well over a year to completely heal and I walk around with a scar that looks like I was in a coke bottle fight and I lost.  But Pain, oh yeah, I remember the pain.  Just like it was yesterday...

 

In reality, you think nothing could ever happen that would  be worse than that...don't say that, don't think that, ever!  Why?  Because when you say that or think it, guess what?  yep, something comes along that is worse and you found out that those memories are what are enabling you to get through whatever painful episode you are currently going through.  I thought there was nothing that could be as bad as the back or the gallbladder attacks.  Well, now it seems there is....they're not sure though, they say yes, maybe, then no...it shows up sometimes and other times, it is not there.  What is this?  Porphyria.  

 

Porphyria is a complex condition, you can't really even call it a disease because it is not a disease.  It is a condition caused by a lack of enzymes and depending on which type you have depends on which enzyme or genetic mutation.  However, in Porphyria attacks, there is Pain.  Intense Pain.  It seems that maybe all of the above pain is tied to this nebulous condition that I do/do not have.  I do know that some days are better than others.  I do know that I know what pain is...including childbirth pain which I would take any day over the extreme fatigue, sharp-shooting jabby pains that radiate all through my body, the olfactory nerve which has gone beserk and I can smell things, well - you don't want to know how far I can smell things; rashes that come with allergies, skin conditions, LED lights burning my skin like someone just threw hot oil on my face, muscle paralysis - do I have lupus?  I kind of feel validated - because I remember a time when a coach said - if you would exercise more and eat less...um, yeah...that really worked well for me.  I ate less and gained a hypothyroid condition for not eating.  Still fat as ever though...Thanks Coach...Fat girl, fat girl...yea, I remember every single episode of name calling, bullying, I'm still usually the biggest girl to walk in to the room.  A title I totally despise and hate.  But I have learned to accept myself because there is not one thing I can do to change my weight.  Believe me, I have tried.  Pain...

 

Pain, you say.  I listen.  Because I know what it is like to have pain.  However, do not roll your eyes at me when I say, "I can't..."  because I have tried and have learned "I can't.."  I have changed my diet to find that some things do hurt and some things help.  So if I say, "I can't have that.."  please do not roll your eyes at me and heave that deep sigh like, "Oh bother!"  I have found that doing somethings makes little differences.  Little differences are big differences because every little bit helps make this condition of Porphyria better.  I know pain of having people think it is all in your head and you are making it up because you want attention.  Believe me, I do not want attention.  Most of the time I just want you to go on and leave me alone because, well, because I cannot do what you want me to do.  Or if I do, it is going to cause me pain and you just indicated by rolling your eyes and sighing that you discount my pain.  

 

Pain...I listen.  I listen and understand.  I listen and understand because I know what it is like to have pain and not be heard.