Are you like me, lately? Can't tell right from left...can't trust yourself, can't trust your significant other, or in fact, you cannot absolutely trust anyone? How did I get here? Are you showing signs of wanting to control others for your own security/peace of mind? If you find yourself in this mindset, it stands to reason that you may be a victim of narcissistic trauma.
In the South, we know when the waters are muddy, 'don't go fishin'...You cannot tell the depth of the riverbank. You cannot tell if there are unknown dangers (water moccasins or gators) in the water. And so it is with narcissism. There are some good resources coming out and the trauma of narcissism is becoming more common in being talked about. But, the victims of narcissists are being quieted, their stories not heard or they're not listened much less believed and often are targeted as being narcissistic themselves.
I'm no professional with a degree behind my name, I just have life experience as a victim - a victim of sexual molestation at age 4 continuing through age 6, a victim of bullying - I gained weight to, I think, counter the effects of the molestation; however, there is a flight or fight reflex to the human body that can cause a hypothyroidism disorder and the victim gets locked in to a vicious cycle of not getting enough thyroid hormone. It is called Reverse T3 and the standard AMA response is - "There's nothing wrong with you. It's all in your head." And as such, I endured a lot of name calling for being overweight since I was 7 years old.
Now, as a victim, I did not learn coping skills. I would encounter situations and find myself in the what I call a 'deer in the headlight' mode. I could not think of what to do. I would go in to panic, not so much that someone else could see it, and a lot of the time, that is still how I react. Oh to be that person who has found their voice and can say what they want to say. You are blessed if you can do that for yourself. So, I asked Jesus for help. I trust His Word, I trust Him. I'm learning to trust others like my husband who has put up with me for 30+ years. Even he has come under the magnifying glass of 'friend or foe.' Having been a victim himself of some pretty ugly issues of life and surviving, we became what they call codependents. His control of me has been totally, "I love her and no one is going to hurt the ones I love." My control issues became "Someone did something really mean and ugly to me and I am not going to ever allow anyone to do that to me again." And at this point it gets really ugly with finger pointing, name calling, and drama, drama, drama, trauma, trauma, trauma. And guess who the winner is? Yep, if you guessed Satan, you guessed right because the last thing he wants is for you to figure out a way to stop the control and manipulation.
This is one reason why I believe it is so important for Christians to stand up for what they believe. The church has gone on the retreat and it has not made the world a better place. Although, as we approach the season of easter again, Moloch worship, yes, you heard me right, Moloch worship, the church is losing the war or so the enemy would have you believe. But trust me, Jesus says He wins. Let me give you some sound advice "Never, ever, ever side against God and His Word." You will lose every single time.
As a victim of some who exhibit very much the narcissistic traits that cause massive trauma to families and have caused trauma myself due to the effects of trauma let me say to you, if you really care and you really want to help someone with these traits of control - sometimes, they are not a narcissist. Sometimes, they are the victim. The answer to the problem is still Jesus. He is the only one who can change someone on the inside. I would warn you though that if you are dealing with a victim and you try to use the tactics you would use on a true narcissist, you will cause more trauma to someone who has already been hurt beyond what you think you know. If, however, the person is a true narcissist, you're not going to have an effect. This really starts falling in to the demonic arena. The only way you can deal with demons is to cast out demons.
Do you know what the standard advice is for someone in a relationship with a narcissist? Leave them. But Thank You Jesus, God's ways are not the world's ways and thank you, Jesus, that the world's ways are not God's way. God never casts us out not even the narcissist. God will withdraw at a point when a person goes on committing a sin that God has pointed out to that person. And at this point, I realize this may have to become Part 1 and Part 2, et cetera, etc. ...
Muddy waters, swirling and churning, muddy waters, takes your breath away, muddy waters, paralyzing fear, muddy waters, oh who will hear? My Bible tells me the accuser is Satan. Who is accusing? Deep down in side, the narcissist was a victim at one point. They are just doing what someone did to them. They reached the point of "No one is ever going to do that to me again." A deep, raw, bleeding wound that only the touch of the Master's Hand heals. The only balm is the balm of Gilead. Muddy waters, swirling and churning, muddy waters, takes your breath away, muddy waters stilled by the Words of Jesus, suddenly you see and hear, the true narcissist who needs to be released from the bondage of trauma and the victim, who is shouting louder and louder because everyone is too busy with their own issues to care, or see, or hear.
Sometimes, all the victim wants is to be validated. They want someone to listen, to say, "Yes, that's really _____________ (fill in the blank) and then the victim can heal and mend. But when the victim is told to be quiet, sit down, don't make waves, just get over it, etc., etc, you can cause the trauma to be deeper because that negates the feelings of what happened to that person or what that person was going through was really awful and yet somehow, that person/victim does not matter. The victim is thinking why does Billie Joe matter and everyone listens to them, seems to respect them, but I don't matter? Everyone should matter. We have to start addressing the splits and cracks in the church. Judgement begins in the house of the Lord. He is going to clean us up first.
The world applies labels - Narcissist, ADHD, ADD, and the church has given over to the world. We stopped praying, we stopped casting out, we stopped preaching the gospel. We stopped adhering to the principles of the Bible that God laid out for us. 'Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God.' "Faith is the evidence of things not seen, the substance of things hoped for." Never give up hope.
We need discernment. We need the power gifts of prophecy. We need for the truth-speakers to be bold and speak up any way; to call a spade a spade and stop playing nicely so as to not offend. When we will address sin, no matter what form it comes in, we will find change happening The trickle down effect is very apparent in every area of life these days. Corruption, drama, trauma, abuse, illicit activities, no shame in these things either. Used to what was done in secret and dark, was not openly displayed. There was shame if someone found out and so it should be now. But this is no longer the case and we pay a great price for it.
The professionals will tell you though, if you are dealing with a narcissist to be aware you are dealing with a truly bad person which is why they advise leaving, immediately. If we develop the mindset that we are all sinners. There is no good in any one of us, we are back to what the Bible says and that is - There is only one good and His Name is Jesus Christ. We all require an acceptable sacrifice of Jesus' blood because He is the only perfect one. So if you are dealing with a demon, remember I said narcissism starts falling in to the arena of the demonic, and a demon is evil, you may have to leave for safety. However, in God's way there is hope. The world's way, not so much hope.
So the thoughts I want to leave you with are 1. Are you dealing with a true narcissist or a victim? 2. Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. Control and manipulation are not of the Lord. To tell a victim from the predator what is the reason behind the control - Are they controlling for their own peace of mind or do they try to control to avoid making someone else mad? So in a marriage, there is a healthy/respectful part of letting your spouse know what you are doing or asking if they are okay with you participating or doing something. Again, the Bible says when a man and woman are joined together they become one flesh. They are no longer two. What you are doing should be good for your spouse and vice versa. However, if you find this lopsided - one spouse is always asking permission, the other spouse never asks permission, well...this might be a sign of control and manipulation. The rules apply to the one spouse, but none of the rules apply to the other person in this marriage. It becomes very much a parent/child relationship which is not a good thing.
I used marriage here - but the complexity of relationships that can find a narcissistic type of control/manipulation strategy can fit a lot of interactions between people. I personally have experienced this in my own family growing up, in my marriage, in my relationship with my children, with employers, and even with friends. When I find myself in the presence of someone and I start becoming overwhelmed, I tend to fight this trait of control/manipulation. It is a major red flag. Danger, Danger Will Robinson, Danger!!! Run when again I have to retrain myself to say "What does scripture say?" Scripture says - Recognize the demonic. Resist the enemy. We do not run from the enemy. We don't seek him out, but we also do not run. We resist. We do not give in to the enemy. We stand. We war with the weapons of our warfare those being the pulling down of strongholds, vain imaginations, patch up the holes in our armor by building our faith. How does faith come? By hearing the Word of God. Sometimes, we fail. But we never give up because to give up is to let the enemy win. And we pray. Through prayer comes answers and not only do we get the answer, we are obedient to obey what God tells us because what good is praying, getting an answer, and then ....nothing...yea, don't think God is to happy when we do that.
I apologize for any rambling here. It seems my thoughts are very disjointed and I just want to delete and start over. But again, as with a lot of issues that are just basically human nature sin issues are difficult and complex and no easy answer except Jesus. Jesus is the answer!
